Infertility. One word, yet somehow a mouthful.
When Russ and I started trying to have a baby almost two years ago, I never imagined that word and my name would be in the same sentence. I had a hard time even saying it at first. Life is funny like that. Now after one surgery, six months of menopause inducing shots, clomid, folistem daily shots, a sharps container in my house, and too many blood tests to count, we are facing IVF.
When something you want is being withheld from you that you know is inherently good, it’s so tempting to let that one thing erase all the other provision. To have eyes for only it. In my grief each passing month, I am tempted to forget who God is. I wanted over and over to believe He wasn’t faithful. Yet He was gracious to remind me each time to open my eyes. I am learning that I cannot compartmentalize my life. God cannot be faithful in one area and not another. He is faithful, period. And He has been. This season has without a doubt been the hardest of my life. It’s also been the richest in so many ways.
I always thought God would be good even in unanswered prayers. There is something anchoring about knowing that to be true. Russ and I have been so well loved in this season. Seeing the body of Christ in action on our behalf is humbling at best. Prayers from half-strangers, notes, texts, being prayed over, special things done for us, calls – it’s all so beautiful to witness. I am convinced I would not be standing, our marriage would not be strong, if it weren’t for this. And I am plain grateful. Sometimes I have to work to remind myself of that fact. At the core of who I am, I know that is how I want to walk through this season. Grateful and hopeful. The longing has only intensified the desire. Taught me it’s a gift not to be taken for granted, and I hope to carry that with me all through motherhood.
When you catch me on a good day, I’ve decided it’s good for us to have to work to believe what we have always professed. Learning to let go of the perception that I am in control. There is fruit and grace in that. May we have eyes to see and hearts willing to be broken and remade.
If this is your story too, I’m sorry. You are not alone. We are not alone. In Him there is hope. “For hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” – Romans 5:5. Thank you to all our friends and family who have reminded us to hope and walked with us through this journey.
I totally missed this post, thinking of you and sending you so much love and payers. Love, Kirsten xx
You have a deeper reservoir of strength inside you than you probably thought was there before this journey started. And your resilience is so admirable. Much love to you and thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure it gives to many other women in your position.
Happy New Year Amy. This is such a powerful post and I know it must be a difficult topic to write so openly and honestly about. I’ve seen friends around me going through the same thing, one of them got the present they wanted during Christmas. I can only imagine the joy and blessings you will feel when you get your little present in 2016! Stay positive and never give up.
I am so praying for you and your Russ, you are so strong to endure all of this and I hope better news arrives in 2016!!!
Amy Ann, I am so sorry to hear about your infertility and the pain that comes along with it. I cannot imagine how hard it was to share this story, but I am so happy to see that you are somehow remaining quite positive. I remember in college, my friend’s sister really struggled with this as well, and then one day she was just pregnant. She was in the same position, had done shots, hormones, and had tried IVF. I know it is such a brutal process, and I wish you nothing but the best with it. If you ever need anything, please never hesitate to reach out, I am always here! I know one day you will make a great mother and I strongly look forward to the day when all of this is just a memory for you!
Thank you so much Denise! What a thoughtful, kind, and encouraging comment. I’m so glad we’ve gotten to cross paths through our blogging journey.
Thank you for sharing your story. This must have taken so much courage to write and even more to hit the publish button. I’m always here for you, Amy Ann, and I wish you and Russ all the best in 2016!
Julia // Little Miss Haute Couture
Thank you. It was difficult to decide to share, but comments like yours make it worthwhile. I appreciate your kindness and support!
I’m so glad you shared your story. Most people like myself find it hard to express and stay positive all the time. I have been trying to get pregnant for 4 yrs. now with 2 miscarriages under my belt and starting on clomid next month. Prays, thoughts and wishes, every single one helps. Stay strong and positive on this journey. God only gives you what you can handle and you my friend are a rock star xo
the way to my Hart
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Jessica. I’m so sorry for the difficult road you have been on for the last 4 years. Two years already feels like an eternity, so I can only imagine what you must being going through. Prayers for you too. You are the rock star! I hope 2016 brings you the baby your heart desires and that you might know Him even more in the process.
What a wonderfully written post. I don’t share the same experience as you since I have not attempted to have kids anytime soon but it’s something I fear as I get older. They always say that fertility drops as you near your thirties and that’s where I stand right now (just 3 days shy of my 28th birthday). Charles and I do not have plans for kids anytime soon but it’s always in the back of my mind. I’m wishing you the best this year Amy Ann! You are amazing!
I hope you have an easy journey when the times comes. I am sure you will! Glad you all are doing what is right for you, and thank you for your kind comment.
Beautifully written and expressed, although I’m not sure it’s polite for me to compliment it when I know how much pain you have experienced. I can’t pretend to know what this must be like because I’ve spent my 10 years with Nate trying NOT to get pregnant. I’m 31, and although I feel like I should start trying soon, I’m terrified of being a mom in this world. That doesn’t mean I don’t see it for myself, I’m just afraid. However, my heart breaks for you Amy Ann. My best friend has PCOS and is going through a similar time. I pray for you both, I sincerely hope that you are able to conceive. Your faith will get you through
Thank you so much Noelle for your kind comment and for the support of my blog. I can totally relate. I’ve always had a lot of fear about becoming a mother. Even when we starting trying two years ago, I wasn’t sure I was ready. The truth is, I am not sure I’ll ever be quite ready. I know you will be an amazing mom when you all decide the time is right. You are already the best dog mom ever! I’m sorry your friend is experiencing similar things with PCOS. Who knew having a baby could be so tough!
Wow1 Thank you for sharing your story. I know that it’s hard to put our personal lives out there and be so vulnerable to the Virtual World. But this is what makes you Human. You are a marvelous woman and the Universe will respond accordingly. I’m 33 and face this possibility myself, as this year my husband and I have decided to start trying. No matter how you are able to be a mother, you will be amazing, no doubt. Send you my love.
It can definitely be difficult, but kind comments like yours make it worthwhile. I hope you have a wonderful and successful road to motherhood this year. Thank you for the love and well wishes!
Amy, first off, Happy new year. I am an ever hopeful and I can and will hope that this year brings you the joy of motherhood one way or another. I will look at your faith in him as the reason why you are able to explore all these very options. I trust that, that is what he wants, for you to try your best in all ways possible and to have no regrets of having left any stones un-turned. Its through your perseverance, faith and trust that you are able to stand tall, talk about it, be vulnerable and yet stay positive and hopeful , and I have faith in that positivity of yours that you will see results. For being able to share something so painful, so personal and so inherently emotional, you have all my respect. We women are made strong, you are the epitome of that and patience. Trust me, there is light at the end of this trying tunnel. Good luck, best wishes and loads of positive prayers your way! Cheers.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your kindness and respect. It’s been so incredible to get to meet women like you through blogging this year!
You are amazing, Amy! So open and strong- I wish I could give you a huge hug. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but your positive attitude and faith will get you through it. I had a friend who went experienced the same thing, and even went through a few unsuccessful rounds of IVF… a few months later they tried again and she was pregnant within a month 100% naturally. It truly will happen when it is meant to happen. You will be an incredible mama! XX
Thank you so much. I’d totally take a hug. So glad your friend had such a positive ending to her journey.
Thank you for sharing Amy and being so open and honest. I sometimes feel like this is a topic we keep to ourselves and yet so many of us deal with infertility issues. I’m sorry to hear you are going thru this, I know at times it can be hard to keep the faith but God always has a plan.
My husband and I have been trying for the past year and half and because I have fibroid issues; they now think it might be time to have them removed and explore IVF. I honestly thought I would be pregnant by now… As frustrating as it can be, I do the trust in the lord because I truly believe at the end of the day He has a plan for us.
Stay strong, I will be praying for you both. And I know he will answer your prayers. Thanks again for sharing.
Wishing you and your family a blessed 2016?
Oh Jackie thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling to have a baby too. He definitely has a plan even though sometimes it is hard to see or walk through it. The best part of all of this is learning to trust Him in new ways. I will be praying for you too.
Isn’t it amazing how everyone has something they struggle with? And through blogging, despite the criticism of how it can promote social media perfectionism, we all share such personal stories and feel less alone because everyone has something that is a challenge. I (somewhat) relate. Two years ago I had an unsuccessful heart surgery, and knowing that my heart condition is now a forever thing and I have other conditions and disorders, a future pregnancy may not be the healthiest idea for me, nor would I be up for it physically. I was no where near ready for kids when this occurred, but grieving that possibility slipping away was a pretty devastating process, which surprised me bc I’ve always been open to adoption and stuff anyway. I think any woman who wants kids and has road blocks with having them is a very unique kind of pain, and not everyone can understand that. I wish you all the best with wherever life leads you and thank you for sharing your story. I hope 2016 brings hope and great surprises 😉 XOXOXOX
You are so right – we all have something. It often looks different but it’s so nice to support one another. I am so sorry to hear about your failed surgery and its implications. I imagine it would be very difficult to give up the idea of having children. Thank you for sharing with me.
I had missed this post earlier, but am so glad I came back. Thank you for being so transparent by sharingyour story Amy. Everything happens in God’s timing because like you said HE is in control. I’ll be praying for you.
Thank you for coming back, reading, and leaving me such a nice comment. I appreciate it! He is in control, and I am learning to trust in new ways.
Your faith will keep you strong and get you through this! I know 2016 will be a great year for you! Sending hugs and prayers!
Doused In Pink
Thank you Jill! I so appreciate you reading my blog and commenting even when you are not posting. It means a lot to me. Thanks for the encouragement, hugs, and prayers!
Sending lots of love your way! I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts especially during this tough time! I’m thinking 2016 is going to be your year!
Thank you Laura!