January 2, 2016

Infertility. One word, yet somehow a mouthful.

When Russ and I started trying to have a baby almost two years ago, I never imagined that word and my name would be in the same sentence. I had a hard time even saying it at first. Life is funny like that. Now after one surgery, six months of menopause inducing shots, clomid, folistem daily shots, a sharps container in my house, and too many blood tests to count, we are facing IVF.

When something you want is being withheld from you that you know is inherently good, it’s so tempting to let that one thing erase all the other provision. To have eyes for only it. In my grief each passing month, I am tempted to forget who God is. I wanted over and over to believe He wasn’t faithful. Yet He was gracious to remind me each time to open my eyes. I am learning that I cannot compartmentalize my life. God cannot be faithful in one area and not another. He is faithful, period. And He has been. This season has without a doubt been the hardest of my life. It’s also been the richest in so many ways.

I always thought God would be good even in unanswered prayers. There is something anchoring about knowing that to be true. Russ and I have been so well loved in this season. Seeing the body of Christ in action on our behalf is humbling at best. Prayers from half-strangers, notes, texts, being prayed over, special things done for us, calls – it’s all so beautiful to witness. I am convinced I would not be standing, our marriage would not be strong, if it weren’t for this. And I am plain grateful. Sometimes I have to work to remind myself of that fact. At the core of who I am, I know that is how I want to walk through this season. Grateful and hopeful. The longing has only intensified the desire. Taught me it’s a gift not to be taken for granted, and I hope to carry that with me all through motherhood.

When you catch me on a good day, I’ve decided it’s good for us to have to work to believe what we have always professed. Learning to let go of the perception that I am in control. There is fruit and grace in that. May we have eyes to see and hearts willing to be broken and remade.

If this is your story too, I’m sorry. You are not alone. We are not alone. In Him there is hope. “For hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” – Romans 5:5. Thank you to all our friends and family who have reminded us to hope and walked with us through this journey.

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